Vainona MILF…

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Ndeipi Mos,

 

Shaa, oeun, I’ve got a problem.

 

So there I was. Getting my bachelor on. On my grind during the week, Pariah State, maRasta and Centurion on the weekend; A little fling here, a relationship there; a one-night-stand here, a threesome there; you know, regular shit.

So I get to talking to this one girl from Vainona, but, she’s not budging! Tight game, is what I have, BUT, she just blew me off like I drive an Altezza.

Time when, ordinarily, she would have been head-banging on my headboard (no Stunner), I still hadn’t even held her hand. Gaya.

Turns out she’s a single mom, bad past relationship and all that. Ho hum…

Got to me though.

Really sad shit.

Weeks, on weeks, on weeks, munhu akasunga PLAY.

All hope was lost dude, I was on some, “ah, zvaramba izvi”, then suddenly I was in!

I’m not gonna say much, but I’m gonna say this, night I finally walked into her garden, I felt the breeze and the sunshine, dizzying scent of flowers. I was Adam butt-naked tripping on LSD up in there. I was eating that forbidden apple on some, “Eve, where’s the tree!? Gimme more!” Oliver Twist. I was laying back in there, listening to the birds chirping in that garden, watching little bunny rabbits hopping around nibbling on little blades of sweet grass. Crisp sound of a kaVumba stream flowing nicely zvako. Luscious tended garden Mos; what was a boy to do!? Hit that item kunge mbavha yaba wallet paCopacabana.

Must say, I like her Mos. Yes, I like smashing her, but, I really like her. It’s not just a smashing thing – even though I really could smash her – like all the time.

But here’s where the problem is; and I need you to help me dude.

Of course I’ve met her child. Cute little bundle of joy. Whatever. And only way I can see her on the regular, is if I go over to her place; coz of the kid ka. Whatever. Now this makes things rather tricky. I’m up in there in the evenings. Watching the news on TV. Fiddling with my phone and whatever.While she’s doing homework with the kid and everything.Making dinner and bathing the kid and stuff.And the whole time I’m just flipping channels and checking my facebook and twitter and whatsapp and stuff; just waiting for her to be done. And then finally she’s done and we’re like sitting there waiting for the kid to doze off so we can do whatever. And the kid just sits there bug-eyed staring at the TV, wide awake and not dozing off for shit. Like what the fuck dude?And now it’s the three of us just sitting there and we’re just sitting there some more and the kid is just there on some, “I know you wanna see me sleep so you can go smash my mom, you aint slick, you aint my daddy. “And so we just sit there and sit there until I start fucking falling asleep and then I have to go home because we’re not at that stage where I can like sleep over and stuff and this evil little kid can’t even hide her glee and she’s smirking showing her little rotting teeth. Aaaaaargh, my guy!!!

 

So Mos, how do I do it mate? How do I work my way around the kid issue? Win her over? How? Should I stick it out? Does it get better!?

Oh dude, holla at a boy; how do I get regular smashing time with a single mom living with her kid? 

 

 

Sincerely,

Tonde Love-A-Milf.

 

…………………………………………………..

 

Dear Tonde,

You are a horribly depraved, hedonistic and totally debauched fellow.

And yet, the Zimbabwe Chapter of the Fraternity of Single-mom-lovers (FOS), of which I am an affiliate, feels for you. We sympathize and empathize and scratch our collective nuts in search of a solution to your frustrating yet strangely common predicament.

Fortunately for your aching testicles, we have a tried and tested remedy. Results depend on your morals, levels of desperation and brand of beverage the cute little kid drinks.

Follow these instructions diligently and in a very short while, you will be a much better man with noticeable relief in your nether regions.

 

Stage 1: Start helping with the chores.

Stage 2: Smile at the kid.

Stage 3: Drop your side chicks.

Stage 4: Treat the lady like gold.

Stage 5: Help with dinner preparation.

Stage 6: Buy groceries sometimes and introduce the little one to Mazoe Orange Crush.

Stage 7: Take a genuine interest in the kid’s activities.

Stage 8: Help said kid with homework.

Stage 9: Slip a shot of Single Malt Whiskey into the cute little kid’s post-dinner glass of Mazoe Orange Crush.

Stage 10: Wait 20 minutes for the cute little kid to get knocked out flat, then smash mommy dearest with wild and reckless abandon.

 

Repeat to your heart’s content.

 

Sincerely,

Uncle Mos a.k.a Your Guy a.k.a Free Thamsanqa Jantjies.

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